The Big I

You’re hot, pussycat!

How do you see yourself?  Are you a pussy cat or a lion? Do you see yourself bigger than who or what you actually are?

When you look in the mirror do you like what you see? What about your friends and family? Do you have an idea of how they see you?  If you have real, good honest friends and brutally frank family members, you would be surprised to find out that you are not as awesome as you think you are. I was.

There is nothing wrong with self -image and self-worth, as long as it is healthy. I say healthy because sometimes if this  goes unchecked,  self- image and self-worth could go bad places and one could end up with just an inflated ego. We always think of ourselves highly. Who wouldn’t want to be admired and held in high regard? Just check social networks and you will understand what I am talking about.

Weeks ago, I did something I thought was safe. I took a peek at my fiance’s test booklet and his answers. (This was part of the pre-marital counselling). Couple of answers were good but as I read through the pages, my heart raced and became livid. I was surprised at how he sees me and how I never had a clue about how bad it was. I started shaking, crying and was just in disbelief, denial even.

I was stonewalled. I thought all along I was great, awesome and a good catch. I was so upset I purposely did not call him. I just acted weird and irrational and my anger was misdirected. I was ashamed, humiliated and humbled.

Couple of hours later when I started to calm down, I prayed and confessed to God and I asked for forgiveness for my inability to show what I ought to show  and give. I thought  I was awesome and great but God in his tender love and mercy showed me ahead of time what could be an embarrassing moment had I receive the “shocking” evaluation of who I really am during the counselling session. My Father revealed this to me in order to prepare my heart.

…and only God can change the heart.

Beyond embarrassment and humiliation, (which I believe was not God’s intention) there was an overwhelming sense of peace and satisfaction knowing that God is in action. I used to think  that God was working on him when all along God was also (and is still) working on me, too.  He manifested his love for me and answered my prayers in a way that I never expected. I was too busy asking Him to fix him and make him the best for me, when in His eyes I was not the best yet, either. How conceited of me. It hurts but the lesson learned was precious and valuable.

Father knows best!

But you know what? God does not just reveal our flaws, He comes ready with a solution and a promise:

26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

– Ezekiel 36:26

It isn’t so much about discovering ugly truths, it is about the willingness to change and embrace God’s grace. It is my prayer and I hope yours too that we continue to ask our Heavenly Father for a heart check.

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

God is faithful and true, He will not lie about who we are. We think highly of ourselves but God’s opinion of us matters the most.